Inspiration for my blog’s title…
I watched the movie on Netflix with my boyfriend on my birthday last year. The movie was horrible, and not just because of the yuck factor. It was poorly done, which I actually think is what made it bearable for me. I appear to have an insatiable appetite for gory scenes. It’s what I love about the Saw movies, even though I have only seen the first two, possibly three, I don’t even remember. The plot line was terrible, there wasn’t really a lot of suspense or thrill, it was mostly horrifying in the thought of having your mouth sewed to someone’s butthole, and someone to yours. The ending was atrocious, and I thanked God that it didn’t leave room for a sequel, although I later found out that they did one anyway. Ridiculous. Now I have to see that one, too.
Anyway, a few days after watching it, and finding myself thoroughly unable to get it out of my mind, I started tweeting about it using the hashtag#avoidingthehumancentipede. If you’ve already read them, my apologies, but I did throw in a few extras as I was typing them out here in one place for you.
Alors, here, for your viewing pleasure, my thoughts on how to avoid the human centipede, separated into categories. There are no actual pictures of the human centipede, except for one at the end but it’s not explicit, don’t worry.
Basic Survial Instinct
- Stranger = Danger. Or did your mother never teach you that?
- Get cellphones with better worldwide coverage.
- Better yet, make sure your cell phones will work in rural locations in that strange country you’re going to visit this summer.
- Pepper spray. Don’t they make bra holsters for pepper spray now?
- Never drink or eat anything a creepy German doctor stranger gives you.
- Always have a spare tire on hand.
- Garter belt, tiny handgun, BOOM!
- Have basic knowledge of a car if you’re going to be alone in a strange
- Try sticking to the main road while searching for civilised help with your car rather than wandering off into the forest.
- Always be prepared for the worst. Bring extra clothes, food, water, blankets, etc.
Pay Attention
- Take note of the creepy and disturbing Siamese twin artwork all over the walls and GTFO
- “Please come in and drip water all over my pristine white carpet and sit on my pristine white couch…” Something is amiss. GTFO.
- “Do you live here with your wife?” “No, I hate humans.” Umm.. cue to GTFO.
- Ummmm…..women’s intuition? (GTFO)
- Avoid German doctors like the plague. Even if the stereotype isn’t true, better safe than sorry.
- Do not drink the water. Assume rohypnol based on the creepy way he insists you drink it.
- Try not fighting with your stupid friend in the middle of a dark forest in a rural area of a country you’re not familiar with so that you don’t end up losing your bearings completely.
- Take one good look at how creepy the doctor is who answers the door, and consider running for your life rather than going inside.
Common Sense
- Avoid travelling in rural countryside while searching for said nightclub in a strange country you’re not familiar with.
- Consider turning around once you realise you’re lost rather than continuing on and getting yourself into a situation you cannot get out of.
- Learn at least the tiniest bit of simple German that might allow you to read “My Sweet 3-Dog” on the random gravestone in the front yard of a random house in the woods, and GTFO
- Leave your friend behind and GTFO before the doctor finds out you’re loose. Return with backup later that day.
- Free the trucker or the Asian guy first, overpower the doctor together before he can even start the surgery. Two puny girls are not going to win against a german doctor. Sorry.
- Instead of being chill about being strapped to a hospital bed, consider freaking out just a little bit. Your adrenaline might give you the extra strength you need to free yourself and GTFO.
- Beat the doctor to death with his own equipment as soon as you’re free instead of running around the house looking for a way out like a little bitch.
- Sleep in the car and wait for daylight with the doors locked and the windows rolled up. Better yet hunker down so that people assume abandoned vehicle.
Planning
- Pick a friend to go on a European road trip who has a different blood type than you do.
- Have a rare blood type (such as AB-) when you embark on your journey and make sure your friend has an equally rare blood type that is not the same as yours. The doctor will probably end up killing you both, but at least you’ve avoided the human centipede.
- WRITE DOWN the directions to the nightclub before embarking on your journey in a strange country you’re not familiar with and that you do not speak the main language of.
- Build up an immunity to rohypnol and other assorted date rape drugs before endeavouring on your journey to a strange country as two young girls with no means of defense against threat.
- Not be a clubhopping whore when you could be an awesome hipster tourist in Europe. Do you really come to Germany only for the nightclubs?
Last Resort
- Forcefully rip yourself out of the sequence before you have time to fully heal.
- Forefully rip yourself out of the sequence even after you’ve mostly healed up and bleed to death instead. Anything is preferable to the human centipede, guys.
- Cut your own throat (nearly impossible, BTW, in the interest of self-preservation your brain would force you to pass out before you could complete it) with a piece of glass and bleed to death instead.
-K.
